Harry Potter, Smart Ass
by IAmTooOldForThis
Summary: Harry Potter is not like other 15-month-old children, he's, well, unusual. (I have no idea if this will be more than a one-shot. For now, it's a wait-and-see game, with perhaps reviews having an effect ;-).) T Rating may change, Characters may change. Ok, everything but the first chapter and Title might be changed.)


**Disclaimer: **I own not a whit of the Potter Universe. It's all JK's. I wish I owned some of it, but alas, I don't.

-HPSAHPSAHPSAHPSAHPSA-

"Harry Potter, I bestow upon you the title, The-Boy-Who-Lived."

Giggle.

Albus Dumbledore sighed, "I suppose I shouldn't have expected an elegant acceptance speech from a 15-month old."

"You're an idiot, whoever you are. What kind of a stupid name is 'The-Boy-Who-Lived'? 'Savior of Humanity,' 'Killing Curse Killer,' 'Scarface,' I don't know, but 'The-Boy-Who-Lived'? Honestly? That is bloody lame. You want an elegant acceptance speech, give me a good title."

Albus Dumbledore fainted.

Giggle.

-HPSAHPSAHPSAHPSAHPSA-

"Albus, how do you explain this?"

"I can't Minerva, maybe it has something to do with Harry surviving the killing curse," Dumbledore replied.

"I _am_ right here you know, old man Albus. It's about time I learned your name by the way. And no, what the bloody hell could surviving a killing curse have to do with me being able to speak? What, you think Voldemort left a piece of him inside of me or something and shazam, I can speak?"

"Er, well, you see..." Dumbledore stuttered.

Harry Potter laughed hysterically. "You _really_ thought that?"

"Young man, watch your mouth when speaking to the greatest wizard of our times!" Minerva McGonagall snapped.

"Old man Albus, here? He's the greatest wizard of our time? What about me, the "Killing Curse Conqueror"? C'mon... Please," Harry whined, before breaking into laughter once more.

"Young man-"

"Minerva, he's only 15 months old," Albus soothed with a placating gesture.

McGonagall huffed, and glared at the precocious young boy.

"Harry, when did you learn to speak?" Albus asked.

"When I was 3 days old. Funny story, that. Padfoot was teasing me about my hair and I had had enough of it. So I levitated him into the bath and turned on the tap."

"Hold on," Minerva interrupted, "You did what?"

"Minerva, keep up, will you? I levitated him into the bath and turned on the tap. Anyway," Harry continued, blissfully unaware of the shock followed by a glare being directed his way, "Padfoot started screaming for help- I stuck him in place under the taps- so I let him know if he stopped making fun of me, I'd stop."

"You stuck him in place too?" This time it was Albus who interjected.

"Slow too, are you old man? Age getting to you? Get your ears checked, they say that's the first thing to go. And rude to boot, the both of ya. You two need to learn some manners."

Again, the adults in the room were too stunned at being put in their place by a 15-month old to come up with a coherent reply.

"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, my parents and Moony had burst into the room just as I finished giving my terms to Padfoot. The four of them up and fainted. It was finally quiet until Mum woke up. That didn't last long though. She looked up at me, went 'eep' and fainted again. That 'eep' was the first noise I had heard in 7 hours. The cycle of them all waking up and fainting went on for 2 days! 2 days! I had to feed myself, bathe myself, put myself to sleep- seriously, what 3-day old puts himself to sleep, I ask you- give them nutrition potions. Let me tell you, it was a traumatizing experience."

Albus put his hand up. "Harry?"

"You're supposed to wait until I call on you, but the hand-raising is a start."

"This story sounds very funny, but can we get back to the matter at hand?"

"Uh, hell no, I'm in middle of a story! Rule number 1: Never interrupt a story. That was Dad's rule. How that came about is also a good one! It all started-"

Seeing Minerva about to interrupt, Harry continued, "Wait, I'm in middle of a different story. That's what you were going to say, right?"

Not seeing the older lady's look of dismay, Harry took up his tale once again. "Where was I? Oh, right, traumatizing experience. Anywho, when they finally stopped their tiresome fainting and 'eeping' I insisted they all shower. Except Moony, that is. He was in his 'other' form, if you know what I mean?"

"OTHER FORM?" Both of them shrieked.

"OW! What the hell was that for? That hurt! Albus, you shriek like a girl. You should work on shouting like a man, not, well, whatever that was."

Minerva fainted.

"Oh no," Harry sighed, "Thank heavens you're still conscious, Albus. I'm tired of taking care of fainting people."

"Enervate," Dumbledore intoned, waving his wand at his colleague.

"Eep," was all Minerva managed before falling unconscious once more.

"That sounded exactly like Mum's!" Harry giggled.

"Enervate," Dumbledore tried again.

"Eep."

"Enervate."

"Eep."

"Enervate."

"Eep."

"Give it up, Albus, I have a story to finish, and besides, it took you a day of me waking you up before you finally stayed that way. I'm impressed she lasted this long." Harry said with a smirk. "That whole 'enervate' and wand-waving thing, totally overrated by the way."

Dumbledore fainted.

"DAMMIT! I really wanted to finish my story!"

-HPSAHPSAHPSAHPSAHPSA-


End file.
